The New 411 On Couples Therapy

 There are couples out there that still have terrible fights but are not yet willing to give up on one another. There is so much that goes into a good working well oiled relationship. Besides the basic commandments necessary like truth, communication, respect. There are many things you can do with yourself to learn how to be a better listener or communicator. Learn how to get out of yourself and be more of a giving and doing person for your partner. Some of us don't know how to give gifts. Everyone is different, and almost no one comes as the full package. There are things we have to learn and things we need to let go of. 

We are all raised differently with different beliefs and ways of seeing our reality. Not all of us know how to fight in the most healthy way. This is when it might be a good time to call in a professional. Maybe one who wears a whistle like a referee. Just kidding, but that may seem what you need for some.  There is actually evidence-based research that is suggested by Benson (2012) that tells us there are ways to prepare ourselves for couples therapy and the things we need to be willing to change or see differently.  There are actually five areas in which you need to be prepared to change in couples therapy in order to be successful with it or see any vast changes.

1 Altering your view of the relationship from blame to shared responsibility

Many couples go to therapy to see the problem of being their partner. Thinking, " If they would just see things my way we wouldn't be having all these problems." When you actually can realize that your relationship comes from two different respected perspectives. You can view things in the necessary way needed to grow your relationships.

2. Changing normal behavior from attack and defense to collaboration and compromise.

The more you try to get your partner to change the way they think, the more frustration and anger you receive. With wishes of your partner wishing you really cared to know who they are. It is greatly beneficial to understand that you are the only person you can change, but if you are willing to give a little both of you are able to get what you want.

3. Change from turning away to turning towards

When things go wrong, and in the heat of the moment people can tend to shut down. When we don't feel safe to share our vulnerable feelings or hopes, and fears, then we are preventing intimacy in our relationship. That will leave your relationship empty. If you can think of your partner as a new person every day that you can learn from, instead of thinking of the things that brought you together, try to see things in a caring way. You can start to feel closer to one another.

4. Change the way you communicate from "you make me to " I feel, and I think"

When all of your best efforts seem to backfire on you it is usually the case that couples feel that they are not communicating well. This can be communication about big and small things. Paying attention to what your partner is telling you is key. Taking on more of a responsible role than blaming. Maybe try a speaker and listener technique.

5. Go from individual weakness to collective empowerment

Somehow the two of you have made it this far and that is because you both have important strengths. You draw on these to keep going. If you can identify what you like and appreciate about your partner, what you think they are good at, and what makes you have a good partnership then it will help you through hard times.

Before you head into counseling or look for a therapist maybe pull out a sheet of paper. Both of you should try to do this. If you are in a one-sided relationship it is very difficult to grow or work on making things better. One person can not fix all that fails in a relationship. It takes two for everything in a relationship to work. Ask yourself these questions, and really reflect on them with one another. Maybe sit down with a glass of wine or drink, and don't take things so seriously. Have a good time with one another. Moments count. 

If you are interested in more leading questions that can help your relationship to grow or would like guided journals, or to become a  part of our blog you can fill in the comment block on our blog or email us at iammorethanyousee@outlook.com. Thank you and I hope everyone has a great moment to remember together.

• ​​What have I learned about me, you, or us that is important?

• ​What have I been doing that is not helping us, that I would like to change?

• ​What thoughts, and feelings do I need to share more often?

• ​What can I do to improve the way I communicate with you?

• ​What strengths have I noticed about me, you, or us?